| And you will never find me |
[Feb. 22nd, 2005|04:57 pm] |
It seems I can't write without opening a can of worms,
So I've decided to stop.
/the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|11:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  artistic | ] |
http://www.saxtoncentral.com/
^I entered this.
I have one main idea, but it's still *brewing* shall we say.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Prize money would mean $3,000 towards hayley's sweeden hospital fund... |
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| Rhetoric please |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|06:16 pm] |
Did you ever love me like I loved you?
Do you sleep in a your bed alone?
and miss-
that space between blankets where memories lay,
the someone who left
that kiss-
do you wish time had turned hands back?
and killed-
that place between eyes where tears collect,
that picture I drew
paint spilled-
The scenery burnt down to dust
Do you cry-
Everytime you eat icecream at night,
without me beside
You lie-
because I'd rather not know these truths...
Did you ever love me like I loved you? |
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| welcome to fantasy land. |
[Feb. 19th, 2005|12:55 pm] |
It occured to me today whilst cleaning...
I have too many empty photo frames and too many over-read books.
Says something, really. |
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| Something for stella. |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
Two days without pills and the pillow seems harder,
Three nights beneath stars and they told me I'm smarter,
I wonder whilst liquid sticks salt to this face,
I hate that you're safe in another's embrace...
Pickets are lined up; in segments of ten,
Fences are hairlines between now and then.
If you had the decency to hide-
behind moral lies,
Will you tell me I'm sane-
As I scream my goodbyes?
The muse has taken her captives and I'm the one free,
walking the map they dictated for me-
Spill nothing on surfaces-
God loves the clean,
place glitter on scars to lighten the scene.
Laugh as I choke on the words; later denied,
Know I was strong-
Because I never cried. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2005|09:05 pm] |
Everyone is acting very strangely.
Perhaps not *strange* (as they are my friends) but out of character.
Angry, depressed, anxious, or just plain moody.
Though I'm unsure as to whether it's just my perception clouded by sleep deprivation.
Third night without really sleeping. It's getting beyond a joke.
I hate my bed and the cold emptiness. I turn on the radio just to hear the sound of human voices.
I threw myself into my work in class today. It's nice to be so sick of drawing that my fingers arent constantly twitching and I'm not doodling on every surface I see.
I'm on a huge competition with another in my class, she's just as good as me and I'm determined to be better than her. She's gorgeous and one of those sickeningly stable perfect people. It's not right that she has talent too!
I love being the arrogant bitch that I am.
I'm worried about so many people- in particular my baby brother...
I'm so damn scared that he's as depressed as I once was...
I went to play pool tonight and felt somehow disconected from those which I once called my friends. I hadn't seen alot of then since last year and everyone has *changed*.
I don't like it when people change.
Though staring me in the face each day is the fact I've changed too.
For the better I think.
I feel as if Ive grown up alot in the past few months. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|04:51 pm] |
Hell of a day at TAFE, I swear to *god/budda/elvis* I jinx public transport! Tard of a bus driver packed too many of us in and as a result the bus was too heavey and conked out halfway up a hill. A very busy *TRAFFIC-LADEN* hill. So we walked to chadstone shopping centre and caught yet another bus.
There was a girl in front of me, I was admiring her shoes (okay ass) and she had an umbrella that said "FCUK rain." For some reason I found this hysterically funny and as it *was* raining I slipped into a pole (damn doc martens with no grip).
Having rescued myself from that I got onto the next bus which ALSO made a stop while the driver argued with an old (vicious)lady about ticket validation.
So I got to TAFE and the teacher im in love with was angry I was so late, of course this only made her more attractive and now I'm infatuated.
I also got on the wrong train and spoke to some guy for 30 minutes about his various injuries from work, which he took great delight in showing me.
Conclusion of the day:
Only freaks can't drive and are forced to partake in the met public transport service and all its vulgarities. |
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| I want to be the author who wrote the words they read on the train to work each morning. |
[Feb. 14th, 2005|10:31 pm] |
I love not being able to drive thus always being a passenger.
The wind was so warm tonight...
I do my best thinking when Im in someone elses car, cig in hand and music up to loud to talk.
I watch.
People in cars, kids asleep in the back.
Volvos with women inside. A suit sitting next to them with a husband inside. Makeup smeared on with eyes behind, looking out.
Does she see what I see?
The road ahead with city lights behind, places I've never been to blurring past, too fast to read street signs...
Is she happy with a wedding ring on her hand, bills to pay, a job, a family...
And if so then why does the idea seem like a jail term to me?
Did she once want to change the world too?
Did she stop looking at the sky and start staring at her feet because they too told her to get her head out of the clouds? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2005|12:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
Valentines day...
Too many things this associates with in my mind.
I propose a new day shall be celebrated:
*Single sluts day*
In which we shall celebrate rebound sex, what do you all think? |
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| Pony, some strip club, Dalas bar, some other place, limosine, cute boy if i were straight... |
[Feb. 13th, 2005|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
Whoa.
Huge night, fun, drinks, random people...
I have two guys numbers, one was interesting, the other I only spoke to while I was waiting for Paul. Incidently, I wonder why, even in a club such as we were in, people automatically assume a girl is straight.
The limosine ride was awesome. We listened to old school songs on a radio and did the queen's wave out the window. during which we drank copius ammounts of alcohol and spoke to innocent pedestrians.
[yay for terrorising melbourne]
I told Amy that when I'm rich from writing my book, I'll buy her a pink limo. |
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| A word of advice... |
[Feb. 12th, 2005|09:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sisters of Mercy- dominion | ] |
NEVER WATCH THE MOVIE "SAW".
Disturbed me beyond belief. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|11:31 am] |
It's strange making new friends.
I find myself constantly comparing people to my current friends and to be honest...the majority of inhabitants in this world are damn boring when using that comparison.
Vanilla, stable, straight, people who all dress, talk, act, and think alike. Or so it would seem.
Maybe they just fake it. But if so I have to ask myself why. I know I don't!
Even in an art course I feel like the biggest freak. While this doesnt particularly phase me, I'm finding it hard to really connect with anyone beyond that superficial level.
I currently hang around three of the five other females in my classes, and three of the ten guys...
I think males in general are alot less guarded should a topic of conversation arise that isn't about the weather.
There are two girls in my class who are obviously straight out of high school. They both have straightened hair, perfect eyeliner, and wear low cut jeans with either pink, blue or white tight-fitting jackets.
It has been quite fun freaking them out.
They're not so much innocent as snobby, so I only feel a little guilty.
Their artwork is... "nice". It's neat, they use correct technique, they can copy something quite well, but lack any gutsy creativity.
I hope to god this wasnt me two years ago...
*shudder*
[[[[[trading in my talents by the mouthfull]]]]] |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|06:48 pm] |
My course fucking rocks.
I feel like I have an edge on the rest of my class, and I *like* it.
That sounds terrible I know.
But I dont care.
The best module would have to be basic drawing. Though colour psychology is interesting, and art history is more like a philosophy/debate class...
They're all awesome.
Thursdays are the best class. I think I'm in love with my teacher..
Heh.
I've now got all my supplies, you should *see* my magic box of art goodies. It's like a treasure chest!
I'm determined to be the best in my class. I didnt know I had such a huge competitive streak, but it's delicious.
Why I wasted so much time trying to complete year 12 I have no idea.
I've decided I wasnt to go into advertising/graphic design.
With a bit of freelance art and writing on the side. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|10:35 pm] |
Yes there were more good things than bad in regards to Claire and geoff. Maybe it *was* just me who interperets things wrong. Yes, I was a mess when i left, but these emotions were in regards to my feelings of attatchment toward Claire, not because of anything they actually did wrong.
All I remember writing was how "fucked up" I felt due to leaving someone I loved. Apparently I've given everyone the wrong impression.
I know alot of you dissagree with things, but please just remember every story has two sides, and mine is usually told through glass smeared with emotion.
They provided for me, helped with medical and emotional problems, and offered me something no one else has ever offered.
But...
It wasn't for me. I wish I could have expressed this fact without causing conflict.
I *am* however, hugely in debt to those who have been so supportive of me in regards to my emotional wellbeing after leaving. Dave, nay, netty, Paul (you all give the best hugs) and even people I havent been in direct contact with have expressed themselves through posts on this journal.
And nay- I love you for protecting me. And everything you say makes sense to me, you've helped me increadibly.
Okay, now that's over...
I just recieved an email that makes me want to delete the above.
But I wont. As I have vowed to make known...the good with the bad.
Drugie, loser, who runs away from emotional stability.
Common WHEN YOU HAVE A PAST LIKE MINE.
I could laugh, but I'll save that for when I prove you, AND anyone else who has ever suggested such; *wrong*
I must say that anger is a prefferable emotion to guilt.
When one feels guilty, it's a self directed form of anger, I always consider guilt to be a sickly yellow black colour- like a disease eating away at the insides.
Anger on the other hand, is projected outwards, having a direction. It is this direction which gives me motivation to do things I wouldnt have previously done.
Spite is such a neggative word- with such a positive force (in regards to myself at least).
Anger is the cliched red definately when it comes to colour, but the after effect of anger is cool and composed. And as cold as fucking ICE.
Perhaps some people know who this post is directed at.
I've learnt something in regards to my writing [once again]. If I write it must be either so abstract no one has a clue where it stems from, or else I must confine myself to topics such as the weather.
For now at least.
One day my words will shatter and shake *so* many people. No, do not think yourselves (anyone reading this) to be such a great influence on me that I speak exclusively to *you*.
Until then just remember- I've stopped writing about things, but only where you all can see them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2005|09:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tool-Opiate | ] |
TAFE is awesome I must say. And why I didnt do this sooner I don't know...
While I find most of my class to be pretty dull, mainstream type people (it *is* ART- I was expecting creative freaks such as I!), the teachers are excellent, and the days go by in a blur of pencils, paint, and ciggarettes.
I feel I have a good chance of doing pretty well. Providing I dont break my right arm or stab myself in the eye(s) with mascarra whilst in a moving vehicle.-->[has happened before]!
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) loyal_nation I owe you a phone call. I haven't forgotten, will call you on mobile during lunch break tomorrow. <3
brokenx & </span> </span>mean_man</b></span></span></span></span></span></span> thankyou *so* much for the past week, and all the support. </span></span>
</span> |
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| And quote of the weekend goes to... |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|01:16 pm] |
[enters a drunk girl, wearing black, previously seen weilding an umbrella in the carpark].
Megan: "I feel like I'm down Alice's wonderhole" |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2005|12:11 pm] |
Quick update for anyone who wants to know,
I'll write it anyway as I'm arrogant and think ppl care about what I do :P
Nay- will be in city around 3pm. Cant stay the night but will call you when I'm there. On your mobi.
Ash-I'll see you when I'm in greensborough.
Everyone going to sarah's party- have fun. Will miss you all.
It's been a week and one day since I left them.
It's been the most emotional week I can remember, but I am now confident I've come out on the upside.
Now i know I can get through anything life throws at me.
Or that I throw at myself.
[didnt know mirrors made things other than images bounce]
For everyone who's been there, thankyou so much. It's made me realise how much people care about me.
I owe you all more than you'll ever know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
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Went to see brokenx last night.
She made me so happy, it was good to talk, and have dinner with her, mean_man </span> and sam. We snuck alcohol into the movies like we were 13 again, and laughed at the bald man in front of us.
Netty- I'm going to miss you so much... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2005|09:46 pm] |
Fuck.
I.
Hurt.
People.
All.
Around.
Me. |
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